by Amanda Davis

It’s been a while. This summer has been long and my life has been overtaken by work, which is why I’ve neglected writing for quite a bit. This isn’t quite the triumphant return I had in mind, but sometimes you just have to start small to get yourself back on track. For me, I have to start writing and then the words flow more easily. So here’s a short little post on something I’ve been thinking about lately. 

I’m old now. 

It’s true. I know some people would be inclined to disagree, but at the very least, allow me this—I’m older now than I have ever been. I am old enough to rent a car or buy a house (as if.) My mom was my age when she had me, which is a crazy thought. I’m also old enough now to look back with rose colored glasses and yearn for “the way things used to be.” Everything now is about nostalgia bait. Apparently they’re bringing back Warped Tour, and I’ve already secured my ticket to When We Were Young Fest, the nostalgia bait festival to end them all. It’s like suddenly every band realized their previously teenaged fans are now grown and have money to spend on overpriced concert tickets and merch. But hey, I’m not complaining. First of all, I’m thrilled for the opportunities to see some of my favorite bands that I never would have had before—I saw Midtown two years ago and they broke up when I was five. If you told my younger self I would be crying listening to “Cancer” at a My Chem show one day, I would have called you a liar. Also, in a weird way, I like reminiscing on middle/high school. I’ll admit it: one of my guilty pleasures to this day is rewatching “emo bands on crack videos.” (If you know, you know.) My TikTok for you page is filled with videos waxing poetic about Death of a Bachelor, the drunk history of Fall Out Boy, and Dan and Phil. Looking back, it seems like such a simpler time.  

But why? Objectively, my teenage years were some of the worst of my life. I was anxious and depressed much of the time, lonely, and terrified for the state of the country in the wake of the 2016 election. So I always wonder why I now look back so fondly on this time in my life; I guess a lot of things seem different in hindsight, especially when life has gotten better. I think there’s also something to be said about the fact that, at least for me, the nostalgia for this time is directly tied to music and media. These things were an escape for me. Music especially is what made it all bearable. So I suppose I can excuse myself for looking back fondly on the Weekend Pancake Report or listening to Blurryface for the first time. I can kind of forgive myself for being a jaded “elder emo” who is shocked by kids who “wish they were old enough to be on 2014 tumblr.” I’m still debating if I can forgive myself for reblogging the “you twerk, we mosh” memes, though. 

Oh, well. See you in Vegas this October.